TMI

Don't worry, I have no intention of sharing TMI (too much information, for those of you not down with the lingo) in this post, but I want to talk about people who do. What is it about being pregnant that makes women--sometimes strangers--feel compelled to tell you every gory detail of their pregnancies and, more specifically, their deliveries? I know some pregnant women devour this information, wanting to be prepared for every scenario that might possibly come up during their pregnancy and delivery, but I am not one of them. I trust my doctor and I trust modern medicine, so I would have been perfectly happy going into the delivery room fairly (not completely) oblivious to many of the scary, gross things that may happen during delivery.

Having a baby is one of the most beautiful, natural things in the world (well, the way most people do it), but delivering a baby, that's a different story. It's not pretty. So why women want to tell others stories that include things like episiotomies and pooping on a table is beyond me. Oh, and if you don't know what an episiotomy is, I won't tell you. Honestly, I wish no one ever told me. Do yourself a favor and DON'T Google it. Also, for all you camcorder-happy parents out there, no one wants to see the video of your child's birth. Not even your momma. My poor mom had to sit through one of these experiences before (and this was 20 years ago!). She told me, "I've had four kids. I know what it's like to have a baby!"

The way I see it, extricating a baby from your body, however and wherever it comes from, is an amazing, natural miracle. Kudos to women who go for the no drugs, grin-and-bear-it delivery. You are tough stuff. But I have to say, opting to have a baby in a birthing center, which in some cases is just a house with one of those blood pressure monitors you find at a CVS, is just plain stupid. As far as I know, they allow midwives and doulas in the hospital. If I'm having a baby and something goes wrong, I like knowing there's a doctor in the next room, not some hairy-pitted lady calling 911. What? You say women have been having babies at home since the dawn of time? Yes, and women used to die in childbirth all the time.

Three cheers for women whose birthing stories are as simple as, "I went into labor in the afternoon. We drove to the hospital, I labored for about six hours and out came little Suzy. It was one of the best days of my life!" That's all people need to know. If you start using phrases like, "The doctor reached in..." or words like cervical anything, stop yourself. That is TMI. Let your friends ask for details like that. Don't offer them.

I do love a good, funny birth story. It's important to keep your sense of humor in tense situations, but keep it clean. I'll never forget the image of my husband walking in during my daughter's birth. I was having a C-section and they FORGOT to go get him before they started the surgery! There was my tough guy, who was terrified he'd pass out during the delivery (and there was a very real possibility he would, considering his history), having to enter the room mid-surgery and walk completely around the operating table. He managed to keep his hand up, shielding him from seeing anything he'd consider TMI, without tripping on any tubes, cords or anything else. He was so relieved when he made it to his safe place at my side, behind the drape.

See how I did that? No gory details at all.